Nice Girls Finish Last Page 16

  So he couldn’t judge, could he? Because he was as damaged as she. She was right; he was selfish. He wanted his fun his own way. But she was wrong, too. His not wanting commitment wasn’t entirely a convenient excuse. It was grounded in fear. Because if he lost all his money, his status, even his damn fitness, would any woman still be interested? He doubted it. His own father hadn’t stayed interested even as his success was blossoming.

  So he protected his heart by keeping things casual and always being the one to end it. He saw now that Lena had tried to do the same. She’d tried to protect herself from him. That was why she’d said no after their first one-night stand. She was more emotionally aware than he and had feared she was headed for trouble if she messed with him much more. That hunt for self-protection had been at the root of her ‘non-exclusive’ offer. It had stemmed from her insecurity. She really did believe she didn’t have enough to offer him.

  So now? Where the hell did they go from here?

  He smacked the bag, his fists sore, then raw, then heading to numb. He stewed over her past. But in the end all he could think was that people made mistakes. And he wanted to know how she’d come to make hers. He had to try to understand. She had to help him do that. Because as flawed and fickle as she might once have been, he loved her. He wanted to be with her. And he wanted to convince her he could love her the way she needed to be loved. He wanted to be enough for her.

  But given how insecure she was, he knew she needed more than words. She needed incontrovertible proof. So for her, and only for her, he’d consider the marriage deal. If she wanted the public ceremony and the piece of paper, he’d give her that. Hell, he could give her a really public declaration—he could do a huge public proposal. Bare his soul in a stadium full of people.

  That would be big. And public. And manipulative.

  Would she be able to say no in that arena even if she wanted to? Actually, knowing Lena she probably could. But he didn’t want to do it to her anyway, didn’t want to set her up so she felt pressured by an audience to answer a certain way. He wanted her to be completely free to make whatever decision was in her heart.

  But before he could go forward with her, there was the past to resolve. As much as he didn’t want to, he had to cut them free from her baggage—and his own.

  Seth stopped punching. Yeah, there was that whole deal. The kid his father had chosen to be with. The one who had taken his place. Jason. Seth had been totally jealous of him. He’d met him a few times when his mother had made him visit his father in an attempt to maintain their father-son relationship. But his father had that new son—the screaming baby who’d grown into a cute toddler. The apple of his father’s eye.

  But that wasn’t Jason’s fault. Seth might be many things, but he wasn’t a monster. He didn’t want the kid to suffer any more than he wanted any other kid to suffer. And he didn’t want Jason to be as lonely as he felt now. He stalked to the table and rummaged underneath for the wastepaper bin that was still overflowing from the other week. Kicked so far under the table he’d forgotten about it. And not emptied. The letter was on top.

  He skimmed it. So he’d been wrong and she’d been right. Again. It wasn’t a request for money, but a request for him to get in touch with his brother. Rebecca knew Seth would never want to deal with her, but she was desperate for Jason. He’d been struggling since their father’s death. Seth sighed deeply, trying to release the clamped feeling in his chest. He had no other siblings. No real experience of dealing with them. So he really didn’t know how Lena coped with the whole competitive thing, but he knew she loved her siblings and supported them. He admired her for that. And there was more that he had to learn from her.

  For the first time in his life he wanted a team-mate. Not just a support person, but someone fighting alongside him. He ached for her strength and loyalty and laughter. And her love.

  But in love there were no guarantees. So he was going to have to man up to the most difficult challenge of his life.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  THE painkillers Gabe had given her weren’t working. Her whole body felt heavy and sore and for the next hour she simply sat in her chair, utterly ineffective.

  ‘I’m sending you home. I’ve called a car already.’

  Lena jerked, her head pounded harder; she hadn’t realised Dion was standing in her doorway. She had no idea how long he’d been standing there. But she didn’t argue, for once recognising her own limitations and that she was right at the edge of them. Better for her to leave now rather than have a total meltdown at work. ‘Thanks.’

  By the time she’d gathered her gear and got down the stairs the car was at the front entrance. A big black one. Her heart shrivelled—she couldn’t take this. But then the driver’s door opened and it was Mike, the pilot, who got out. There was no one else in the car.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ She was too sore to put the polite smile on.

  ‘Don’t worry, Lena,’ he said easily. ‘I’m just taking you home.’

  She hesitated but knew she was too spent to argue. So she just got in. Her heart thudded painfully. She hoped Seth wouldn’t be there; she really didn’t have the strength to face him. Never would. Her eyes watered and she blinked hard to keep her emotions buried.

  But he was there, leaning against the wall next to her front door, shaded from the blazing midafternoon sun. As she walked up the path she heard Mike drive away.

  ‘You know we have to talk,’ he said as she neared.

  She didn’t unlock her door, couldn’t bear to bring him into her home again. Instead she stopped and sat on the concrete steps leading to her deck. A half second later he moved, and sat beside her.

  She kept her head bent, but she saw the backs of his hands as he hunched and rested his arms on his thighs. The skin across his knuckles was swollen and red and purple and smote her heart.

  ‘Lena, I need you to tell me about it. I want to try to understand.’

  The band of pain tightened round her head as she gingerly shook it.

  ‘Tell me what happened,’ he said softly, insistently. ‘I want to know.’

  ‘Why?’ What was the point in rehashing her past mistakes? It was hardly going to redeem her. Why couldn’t he just walk away and leave her to deal with it?

  ‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’ he asked.

  She stared hard at the concrete but it went all blurry. Not only did she feel the pain pounding now, she heard it, too. ‘Do you?’

  ‘I didn’t used to believe in love at all.’

  Her head hurt. Her heart hurt. Everything hurt.

  ‘It’s been an adjustment.’

  She didn’t respond to that low drawl. Couldn’t, daren’t hope. Suddenly it was easier to think on her painful past than her possible future now.

  ‘His name was Cam,’ her voice rasped. ‘He was my boss.’

  Everything she’d said the other night had been true, but there had been things she hadn’t said. Now her words dropped like stones, smashing the silence and all the possibilities that hovered in it. She bent her head. She didn’t want to see his face. ‘I’m so ashamed I did that to another woman.’ The harshness dropped from her voice and she whispered instead. ‘I was so naïve.’

  She’d wanted to be loved so much. That desire had blinded her to the reality of the situation. Just for once she’d wanted to be treasured, made to feel special. She hadn’t ever been special. She’d never shone at anything. And he’d made her feel as if she did.

  ‘He chased me so hard,’ she said sadly. ‘He was older and in a senior position and I was flattered. He showered me with gifts. Everything a greeting-card lover should—flowers, chocolates, even jewellery. And attention. I fell for it. I’d get into work and there’d be an email waiting. The second I sat down the phone would go and it would be him on the end of the line—just to say hello. He’d come to my part of the office at any opportunity. I was so dazzled and young and stupid. And so lonely.’

  And so used to being second
best. It had taken nothing to make her fall into his arms. He hadn’t even been that attractive, but he’d wanted her as no one else had ever wanted her. Chased as no one had ever chased. Paid her so much attention.

  ‘I didn’t know he was still with her, not when it started. He told me he was separated and filed for divorce.’ But ignorance was no excuse. She should have found out sooner. She should have known that he hadn’t left his wife as he’d said. She should never have believed a word of it.

  ‘I wanted so badly to believe he liked me that I didn’t believe it when I heard the truth. And by the time I did face it, I no longer cared about the rights or wrongs. He promised me he’d leave her. And I wanted to keep him.’ In the end she’d left town. Crushed and humiliated and horrified. ‘I never wanted to be the other woman. I wanted to be the only woman.’

  ‘He seduced you.’ Seth finally spoke.

  ‘I didn’t make it that difficult for him.’ She wasn’t entirely at fault, but she’d step up to take her share of the blame. ‘And I didn’t walk away when I should have.’ She chewed on her lip. ‘I wanted him to leave her for me. I wanted him to pick me over her. I wanted to come first. So I tried to break them up. I did everything I could to make him love me. I let him do anything he wanted to in the hope he’d love me for it. For months.’ Her eyes watered. ‘That’s how pathetically needy I was.’

  ‘It’s not needy to want to be loved.’

  ‘It’s wrong to want to break up a marriage.’

  ‘Is that what you really wanted?’ he asked bluntly. ‘Was it really even him you wanted? Or did you just want to win?’

  And there it was. She, who’d never won a damn thing in her life—who’d been outsmarted and outsported by her siblings her entire life. Who’d never done whatever it was she needed to do to win her parents’ attention. Who’d been the support act for ever….

  ‘I wanted to win,’ she said fiercely. ‘I just wanted to win for once.’ Her tears spilled. ‘I was a bitch.’

  ‘No,’ he argued gently. ‘You were young and hurt and nobody likes to feel rejected.’

  She couldn’t believe he was being this understanding. He wasn’t angry at all, wasn’t blaming her, was just listening. Seeming to see why. She stared hard, trying to contain the emotions exploding within her. The hope.

  ‘How did it end?’

  She winced and wiped her face. ‘His wife got pregnant,’ she whispered. ‘I was so naïve I’d believed him when he said he wasn’t sleeping with her. So it was then when I finally realised that he was never going to leave her like he’d said he would. He’d been telling me nothing but lies. He didn’t want anything from me other than sex on tap. And I’d let myself be used. Begged for it, really. I know I did wrong. But I wanted to be loved so much and instead I lost everything—my friends, my job, my dignity.’ She shook her head. That was when she’d finally fought back. ‘I moved towns, worked really hard. Got this job and worked even harder and steered clear of men. I was working on getting myself together. On growing up. I was waiting for Mr Right. I was going to be strong. But then you came along.’

  ‘I can’t be Mr Right?’

  She closed her eyes. ‘You said yourself you weren’t Mr Marry-Me, you were Mr Temptation. You were the guy I took one look at and simply had to have. The only guy it’s been like that with. Attraction just slammed me in the gut. I thought I could get away with it—just once. But you wouldn’t let it be once. And I didn’t want to deny myself, either. I couldn’t. Only, then I started to want so much more and I knew you never would.’

  ‘Why wouldn’t I?’

  Because she wasn’t the wonder woman who could break through his emotional-isolation policy. ‘All we do is hot sex,’ she said sadly. ‘So what? That flame will snuff soon. You’ll get bored, we’ll go from shagging three times a night to three times a week and soon after you’ll realise there’s nothing else you see in me. In the end you’ll go and find someone else who does give you something more. I can’t sit by and wait for that to happen.’

  He was very quiet. She glanced at him and flinched. Stunned to see his face had gone white, but that his eyes burned navy blue. Why was he looking so furious now when he hadn’t before?

  ‘You once asked why I’d been angry.’ He barely moved his mouth as he spoke evenly. Too evenly. ‘For me the cause is always the same. Hurt. A hurt that I don’t want to feel, so I get angry to cover it. Right now I’m feeling angrier than I ever have.’ He jerked to his feet, whirling to tower above her, his voice rising at the same time. ‘How the hell can you say this is just sex?’ His bruised fists clenched. ‘Don’t we laugh? Don’t we talk? Don’t we argue about stupid referee decisions? Don’t we do a million things together that are simple and satisfying and not just sexual? Don’t you dare deny that we have all that and more.’

  ‘Of course—’ She choked. Damn it, he knew she got everything, wanted everything from him.

  He stopped. Suddenly dropped to his knees in front of her. ‘Is it so hard to believe that I’d fall for you?’ He looked up into her face, his anger suddenly extinguished. ‘You have to have some faith in yourself. And in me.’

  But she couldn’t possibly believe he meant this. ‘How can you forgive my past?’

  He paused, looked down at the back of his hands. ‘To be honest, I don’t think I need to forgive you. I think you need to forgive yourself.’

  Lena went hot and cold and stopped breathing.

  ‘You’re not letting yourself be open to me because you think you’re not good enough? That you don’t deserve it? Of course you do. You’re amazing—you’re funny and enthusiastic and smart and strong and beautiful. Why the hell wouldn’t I want to be with you?’

  ‘Seth.’ She bit back the sob, the need to fling herself into his arms.

  ‘You wanted to be put first but you won’t believe it when it happens?’

  ‘It’s never happened before.’ She only half joked.

  ‘It was only a matter of time before it did. You don’t even see it when it’s staring you in the face. Half that rugby team would put you first in their lives if you’d given them the chance. But I’m glad you didn’t. I’m glad it’s me having to fight my way into that heart of yours.’

  ‘You don’t have to fight your way in,’ she admitted helplessly. ‘I told you it was one look. One single, half-second look.’

  ‘So why can’t you believe that it’s the same for me?’

  She still couldn’t move. ‘Will you be able to trust me?’ she mumbled, knowing this fragile thing could never blossom without trust.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because you’re an intelligent person and you’ve learnt your lesson. You chose not to stay in a position where you believed you were going to be hurt again. You chose to end it with me because you thought your heart was in danger. And you weren’t cheating. There was no one else but us. You’re a different woman from the girl you were then. You’re resilient and strong and determined to do the right thing. I’ve seen you with those guys. I know how professional you are with them. I know you wouldn’t dream of jeopardising your job with any of them. But with me? You risked a lot for me right from the start. You were courageous with me then. Be courageous now.’

  The dam burst inside her, flooding her with hope and love. She’d told him her greatest shame—details she’d never shared with another—and it hadn’t repelled him. He’d offered understanding, not recriminations. And he believed in her, believed that she’d grown and learnt since then. That meant everything.

  He cupped her tear-streaked cheeks, holding her so she couldn’t look away from the honesty in his face. ‘I don’t believe in love at first sight, Lena,’ he said firmly. ‘Lust—absolutely. But I didn’t know that girl properly from just one look. I do now. I know she’s more than a beautiful body and flashing eyes and a husky laugh. She’s warm and complicated and human. She’s made mistakes but she’s not afraid to admit to them. She makes me laugh, she makes me wince, she makes m
e want things I never thought I’d ever want. I love everything about her. About you.’

  ‘But you were angry with me the other night.’ She laid out her last, lingering doubt. ‘And you stayed away. Three days, Seth.’ The worst three days of her life. ‘And today you were so cold, you couldn’t talk to me.’

  ‘The other night you dumped all that on me and fled. You didn’t even give me a chance to try to understand. That hurt more than what you’d actually said. And as I said before, when I’m hurt I feel angry. Too angry to come near you before now. I hid out in Wellington. Came straight to the stadium from the airport today. You couldn’t have made it clearer how much you didn’t want me there. But you were as hurt as I was.’

  ‘Oh, Seth.’ With shaking hands she clutched his wrists. ‘Please tell me this is real.’

  He bent and kissed her tenderly. ‘Does it feel real?’

  ‘I’m not sure.’

  He kissed her again. ‘Now?’

  She couldn’t answer.

  ‘I’m thinking you might need quite some convincing.’ He smiled. The old intense, focused, incredible smile.

  She smiled, too—as belief, relief and love hummed between them. The kiss this time wasn’t gentle. It was passionate and perfect. It had been so long since she’d held him. And she’d never held him like this—not so freely, not so able to let all her feeling for him flow through her fingers. It was sublime. Not just the blaze of lust but the brilliance of unconditional, enduring love.